


coming out, coming home

by chenkasinclair (hookedphantom)



Category: Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: F/F, also this is so shit I apologize in advance, and how she overcomes it to tell liv, some warning for homophobia!!!, specifically Liv, that she loves women, this is about helen's deeply rooted internalized homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-08-30 04:29:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16757704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hookedphantom/pseuds/chenkasinclair
Summary: Helen tells Liv how she feels about women (specifically Liv).





	coming out, coming home

**Author's Note:**

> this does include some mentions of homophobia and deals with Helen's mom's response to Helen's feelings about women so !!! if that triggers you, don't read, take care of yourselves!

Helen remembered. 

She remembered that day, the day she saw those two women share a chaste and quick embrace and kiss in the park. 

Later that night, she had approached her mother. 

“Why didn’t you tell me, mom?”

“What, darling?” 

“That women can love other women as they love men?” 

She remembered the shocked laughter on her mother’s face that turned into disgust. She remembered the way her mother’s hand slapped her cheek, the soap in her mouth, and the promise she made to never talk about women that way again. 

Her cheek still stung when she thought about it.

But the dreams, the dreams about Liv. They wouldn’t stop. Helen woke up morning after morning in a flush having previously dreamt about Liv’s hands on her waist, then her breasts, then her thighs - 

And then she remembered how it had felt, and how much she hated the way she felt. 

Helen had never liked men like she was supposed to, she knew that now. She knew any normal woman would spend time with the Doctor and be infatuated. She wasn’t. The only one in the TARDIS that she wanted was Liv. 

She also knew she’d never have Liv if she didn’t try. She couldn’t pretend she hadn’t noticed that Liv sometimes looked at women like she wanted to ravish them. She had noticed the little winks that Liv gave pretty girls. She felt her skin grow hot as she thought about the time she had walked in when Liv was changing, and how Liv hadn’t reacted with anger, just calm, and even soft. 

What if Liv… wanted women? Like Helen did? 

That thought kept Helen awake at night. What if, this whole time, Liv was just like her? 

Every day, she thought it would be the day she would tell Liv. Not that she… desired Liv, but that she desired women. Every day, she didn’t. She found an excuse, or she hid, or pretended it was nothing. 

But today - today was the day it would change. She was tired of hiding, tired of feeling alone. She stood, brushed away a tear from her cheek, adjusted her clothing, and left her room to find Liv’s.   
It was almost like the TARDIS knew what Helen was going to do, and Liv’s door was right down the corridor from Helen’s. Helen smiled kindly into the air, sending love to the TARDIS for her support. At least, if nobody else would support Helen, the TARDIS did. 

She took a deep breath into her lungs, let it settle, and knocked softly. Liv’s voice carried to the door, a harsh command to enter. 

“Oh! Oh,” Liv turned to face her visitor, “it’s you, sorry Helen! Thought it was the Doctor, needing reminding about where we were meant to go.”

Helen giggled at that. Their poor, lovely doctor, always had the best intentions, but constantly forgot simple things, like his own name. Then she took another deep breath into her lungs. 

“Liv, there’s something I really, really need to tell you.”

“Yeah? Of course, anything, always. You know that. We’re friends.”

“I... I really like women, Liv. Like, like I want to be with them.” 

Liv snorted. “Yeah, me too.” 

And suddenly, Helen was fighting to hold back tears. Her whole life spent feeling like she was wrong, disgusting, an abomination, and with one single sentence, Liv had made her feel normal. 

Like there was nothing wrong with her.

Liv met Helen’s eyes, and suddenly seemed to realize that this wasn’t something Helen took lightly. 

Liv stood, grasped her arms, and pulled Helen into a tight hug. 

“Hey, hey. It’s okay. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

Helen’s arms wrapped around Liv’s body, holding on to her like she suddenly had no desire to ever let go. 

Liv rubbed Helen’s back softly, whispering to Helen that everything was ok and that Helen was perfectly normal and wonderful and so, so worth loving. 

Helen let the tears fall, then. The tears from years of hating herself, despising what she wanted, how she loved. The tears she had wanted to cry when her mouth had been so full of soap she wanted to vomit. The tears that had always seemed like they would never come. 

And then, Liv pulled back from the hug and met Helen’s eyes. 

“You know you’re just perfect, right? Absolutely perfect. Don’t ever change, don’t ever be who you aren’t.”

Helen smiled through the tears, and met Liv’s gaze. She searched Liv’s eyes, and found them wanting. Wanting… the same wanting that Helen had. 

And then, she leaned into Liv’s lips. 

The kiss that had been forever coming, the kiss that Helen had thought she would never give, met Liv’s lips with passion and hope and fervour. Helen poured everything she had into that kiss. 

And Liv met it. 

She met the kiss with wanting, months of wanting, months of thinking her best friend would only ever be that: a friend. Her lips moved against Helen’s with happiness, devotion, and contentment. She smiled into the kiss, especially when she tasted the salt from Helen’s tears. 

She could never understand the way Helen had felt for those many, many years, but she could fight it. She could let Helen know in as many ways as possible that Helen was loved. 

The kiss lasted longer than either of them could have ever hoped or imagined. 

It ended when the Doctor knocked softly on Liv’s door. Liv had fully intended to keep the kiss going and completely ignore the Doctor, but Helen pulled back and smiled at Liv. 

“Yes, Doctor?”

He opened the door, and seemingly didn’t notice the loving embrace the two women were in. 

“I can’t remember where it was we were going.” 

Liv groaned loudly and Helen laughed. 

“Metabilis? Remember? Something about The Eleven and a time cage?”

“Ah, yes. Of course. Thank you, Liv. And Helen.”

The Doctor shut the door softly behind him, and Helen’s continued laughter made Liv smile. 

“I’m happy. Happy you told me.”

“I’m happy too.”


End file.
